he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
