Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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