this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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