I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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