Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
