If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
