Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
