my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
