They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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