My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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