Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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