i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
