you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
