We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
