In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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