someone threw a dead crab at me
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
