Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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