She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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