Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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