You made me cry and you don't even care
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
