What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
