I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
