I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
