Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
