im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
