I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
