Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
