I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
