dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
