the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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