my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
