I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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