Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
