My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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