thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
