Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
