When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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