I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
