its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
