20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
