wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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