i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
