I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
