I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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