So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I think my moral compass just broke
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