I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
