Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
