Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
