I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
