the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
