"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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