Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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