all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
