I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
