he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
